9... Uncleanium dreadlocksimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Uncleanium

Species:

dreadlocksimus

Common Name:

liberal, tree-hugger, stoner, hip-hop artist

Subcategories:

Hiphopsian dreadlocksimus

Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium

Wantstosmokedopeamus andbeleftalonean

All of the above are described in detail below.

Probably Evolved From:

Trips over time to Jamaica and an inclination to their care-free lifestyle and Marley-style music, while conveniently ignoring the overt poverty and lawlessness that covers much of the land, with the resulting stagnation and lack of incentive eventually adopted and brought-over to the mainland in the form of “individualism”. After the movie Predator™, there was a surge in the population of Uncleanium dreadlocksimus. Recently, environmentally-minded species have been known to morph into varying forms.

Close Affiliations:

Cornrowian tightweavamus

Don’t Confuse With:

The simply dirty, matted, and disheveled hair that you might find on a homeless person who lacks the basic facilities and supplies to maintain the hair’s functionality.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

It depends… Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium enjoys picketing large companies and the Republican Party in the name of Global Warming using a bullhorn. It is also very concerned with the carbon footprint of your sport-utility vehicle. Hiphopsian dreadloscksimus is usually busy flipping burgers by day, and working on his hopeful hit rap-album by night. Wantstosmokedopeamus andbeleftalonean can sometimes be spotted at the Waffle House™ satisfying a case of the munchies in the wee-morning hours.

Approachability:

It all depends on the venue and your attitude. By all means, ditch your sport-utility vehicle well before encountering Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium. If you don’t, you will get an earful about your carbon footprint. Also, do not approach it in the middle of a rally and expect to just observe. Because it assumes that everyone else that dares to venture nearby shares its opinion, it will put you to work holding a sign, chanting, or perhaps send you off to infiltrate a Tea Party assembly somewhere.

Hiphopsian dreadlocksimus is generally docile, other than being annoying when exposed to its second-hand rap while next to it at a traffic light. It is easy to make conversation with and may even drop a rhyme or two in the process.

Wantstosmokedopeamus andbeleftalonean is completely harmless and might even allow you to pet it.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To be an Earth Day coordinator of some sort and eventually pay-off the Prius™ that it financed for seven years with no money down.

Reality:

Potential mates prefer companions that shower, use shampoo and soap, are educated with a steady career, are not drug-abusers, and/or are not so caught-up in pointing-out everyone else’s need to change for the environment.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Shower and use a hair-styling utensil of some sort. Get an education and don’t bother with hanging all of your hopes in life on your limited Hip-hop rap talent. Simply avoid doing drugs.