36... Trailerparkian neverwantstoleaveamus

Family:

MULLETIMIAN

Genus:

Trailerparkian

Species:

neverwantstoleaveamus

Common Name:

white trash

Subcategories:

Trailerparkian probablysmokesimus: One quarter of its income goes straight to funding its habit of smoking. Often trying to stretch every dollar, it displays optimal self-preservation skills demonstrated at times by an innate ability to make an ultimate decision, such as purchasing a carton of cigarettes rather than formula for its newborn offspring.

Trailerparkian caronblocksimus: The overgrown grass in the front yard almost camouflages the Fairlane™ that sits on cinderblocks just outside the front door.

Trailerparkian sleevelesshirtimus: Ahh… Nothing says staying cool on a summer day like the patented sleeveless shirt which reveals armpit hair and everything else.

Tralerparkian hoarderisimus: Hoards everything it has, including toys, all of which litter the front lawn.

Trailerparkian wondalotteryium: Luckily the hundreds of dollars it spends on scratch-off lottery tickets each year aren’t in vain. Thankfully it has something to show for it by winning a hundred-or-so dollars here and there.

Trailerparkian isawitallimus: A distant cousin of Hairinrollersium isawitallimus, it [also] usually seeks out the local news reporters as an eyewitness to the latest natural disaster or crime, thereby proudly representing your hometown for the entire region to see while smoking a cigarette, accentuating its accent, and tirelessly attempting to keep is pit-bull from assaulting the camera crew.

Probably Evolved From:

Trailerparkian neverwantstoleaveamus is usually never fully-aware that the twenty-year note for $50,000 it signed on a depreciating double-wide fifteen years ago was probably not such a good idea after all, thus leaving it with a trailer worth $5,000 today. This is largely due to a lack of education combined with an insatiable desire to show anyone and everyone just how smart it actually is when given the proper chance, while being further augmented by a lack of desire to better oneself, especially considering the chance to do so is never so much of an effort that it seems inconceivable.

Close Affiliations:

Hairinrollersium isawitallimus

Don’t Confuse With:

The educated eyewitness that’s just-so-happens to be an educated good-ole-boy or country gal.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Beating its girlfriend, wife, or both for burning dinner and/or bringing it a beer that did not have blue mountains after a long day of hunting in the nearby woods with its two-year-old son.

Approachability:

Usually easily approachable and polite; but don’t say anything about how it treats Mrs. T. neverwantstoleaveamus.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To have its-own syndicated fishing show.

Reality:

Will end-up with emphysema and/or cirrhosis and struggling to breathe while turning yellow.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

First, get rid of the mullet. That’s a start. Next, just because you were born a resident of a trailer-park doesn’t necessarily mean that’s all there is to life. Educate and see for yourself that there is a life out there just waiting to be grabbed by the tail and told which way to go.