27... Jerseywearimum notmylastnameamus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Jerseywearimum

Species:

notmylastnameamus

Common Name:

average professional sports fan

Subcategories:

Yellsattherefian likehecanhearimus: The standard fan that screams at the referee from the nosebleed section of an 80,000 seat stadium.

Wanttolooklikean imondateamimus: This breed of species knows in advance which uniform the team will wear on gameday and dresses to match them for a smooth $80 a jersey. On a related note, it often can’t afford its-own health insurance and its house is near foreclosure, but it has the season tickets for every game of the local NFL™ team, the NFL™ DirectTV™ package, and multiple $80 jerseys to show off.

Probably Evolved From:

An inability to realize that it’s no longer a child and that adult fans should probably only sport the team colors and/or logo, but not an actual oversized jersey complete with a player’s name on the back of it.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroudamus, Pimpmyrideamus bigfatspoilerium, Barbedwirean onda-armimus

Don’t Confuse With:

The cute child who wants to wear the jersey of its favorite running-back or quarterback.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

This look on an adult is usually accompanied by the patented hemmed jean-shorts and/or standard-issue Air Jordans™.

Approachability:

Usually readily acceptable to give it a high-five in the stands after a touchdown or field-goal, thereby establishing friendship, rapport, and an exclusive ability to observe intimate interaction at close range.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To obtain the jerseys by paying off its layaway account before the season starts. Or maybe the coveted old-school retro model that retails for $250.

Reality:

Will obtain the jerseys for $80 a pop, but unfortunately its car will be repossessed.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Jean-shorts, hemmed or not, are never a good idea. Also, it’s best to avoid wearing the football jersey of your favorite player by about the age of fourteen. It is an atrocity for an adult to wear them at all. Many people you encounter might not think so, but you [yourself] can avoid being a cheeseball.