10... Pimpmyrideamus bigfatspoilerium

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Pimpmyrideamus

Species:

bigfatspoilerium

Common Name:

traffic-light drag-racer, idiot, dumbass, organ-donor

For a realistic glance into its life, watch the movie Gran Torino™.

Subcategories:

Pimpmyrideamus wanttoflyean: The oversized spoiler on this car makes it appear as if it’s futuristic. At a certain speed, it might actually take flight, or maybe even (in the presence of a little plutonium) stir-up an interaction within the flux capacitor, thereby enabling time-travel.

Pimpmyrideamus flamesdowndasidean: If its car actually catches fire, you’d never be able to tell.

Pimpmyrideamus lowridetruckian: This is a throw-over from the late 1980’s, complete with absolutely no shocks and the roughest ride you’ve ever ridden.

Probably Evolved From:

Helpless attempts to turn an average car (that has nothing wrong with it) into a joke, regardless of how nice the paintjob might be.

Close Affiliations:

Neonlightium undercarimus, Coffeecanimus mufflerinium, Carradioxium loudisimus, Pantus ondagroundamus, Spinnerrimsium cantpaydarentimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Legitimate restoration projects on older cars.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Besides being a general dumbass, Pimpmyrideamus bigfatspoilerium enjoys taunting the car next to it at a traffic-light, regardless of the other traffic, attempting to get it to race. It also enjoys subjecting anyone within one hundred yards to the second-hand rap blaring out of its open windows.

Approachability:

Just stay away from it. Its stupidity is contagious.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To impress Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus.

Reality:

It will eventually end-up an organ-donor after an accident while drag-racing on a busy street. Hopefully there will be minimal collateral damage.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

The items that come “stock” on your car are just fine, unless they actually need to be replaced. Remember that an automobile is meant to stay on the ground and doesn’t need a spoiler that might actually help it to take flight. Painted flames down the side is never a good thing.