6... Hatstillhasium pricetagamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Hatstillhasium

Species:

pricetagamus

Common Name:

idiot, dumbass, criminal, convict

Subcategories:

Hattiltium sidewaysamus: Truly incapable of squaring its hat straight on its-own head.

Neverwenttocollegium numberonefanimus: Never assume that the species wearing a matching USC™ or University of Miami™ ensemble (complete with a jersey and matching hat that is tilted and still has the price-tag) is actually a current student or alumnus; or even has their GED, for that matter.

Hoodedshirtimi butitsnotcoldimus: It’s a comfy 75°’s Fahrenheit outside (or warmer), but this breed of species must wear a complete ensemble that it apparently picked up from the FBI’s Unabomber sketch, often completing the oversized, hooded look with complementing ass-revealing pants that sport the equivalent to the male-version garment-bling introduced by the makers of the Bedazzler™.

Probably Evolved From:

Vanity, narcissism, and general pride in the superficial appearance that [at first glance] the headgear appears to have been shoplifted. Varying degrees and combinations of Hatstillhasium pricetagamus further convey a social class makeup roughly dependent on the final assortment of the labels, with a rather reputable trademarked brand, a readily visible higher-end cost, a dope-appearing barcode, and the final degree of tiltage and bend (or lack thereof) rounding out the qualifications of belonging to an array of sociocultural categories.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Neonlightium undercarimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Inadvertent tilting of the hat or the unforeseen sticker that might have been overlooked under the brim on the consumer that was a little too eager to wear his/her new ball-cap before first checking to make sure all the labels were off.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

In addition to holding up its pants, H. pricetagamus enjoys hanging-out in Walmart™ or BestBuy™ tirelessly playing the complimentary videogame console in the electronics department. It also enjoys shoplifting (preferably a hat) on its way out of the store.

God-forbid H. pricetagamus has a hint of artistic ability, you might best observe it spray-painting graffiti on the façade of buildings downtown, defacing the newly-opened playground just down the street, or splattering foreign-language-looking gibberish on the freight cars at the rail yard; which is amazing in-and-of itself because the majority of the subcategories associated with H. pricetagamus rarely even come close to being proficient with the native tongue. The spray-paint can is usually very easily hidden under the enormous ass-revealing pants that are almost exclusively preferred by H. pricetagamus, should “trouble” in the form of upholders of the law venture nearby for a closer look. Just remember that if you are a potential mate (yes, I’m talking to you, Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus), it may not be as happy as you think to see you.

Approachability:

H. pricetagamus is closely associated with Pantus ondagroundamus. Getting too close may be hazardous. It is best to observe from a distance.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

A spot playing video games for money on the Madden NFL™ tour-bus.

Reality:

“You want fries wit’dat?”

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Very simple: Actually purchase the things that you take off the shelves of a store; but remember to remove the price-tag. Also, make sure that both sides of the brim on your hat in your peripheral vision fields are equally visible at all times when placed upon your-own head.