22... Lockeroomian needstogetdressedimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Lockeroomian

Species:

needstogetdressedimus

Common Name:

the common naked locker-room wanderer

Subcategories:

Nutsondacounterium whileshavingium: This is usually an older species that stands butt-naked at the sink while shaving in the local health-club bathroom/locker-room, often with its testicles plopped right up on the counter.

Creepypacerium needstogetdressedimus: This breed of species wanders aimlessly in the local health-club locker-room (wearing nothing but a smile) with no apparent purpose other than to appear creepy and/or maybe start an awkward conversation with an individual who’s hurriedly trying to get dressed.

Hottubguyian needstogetdressedimus: “Come on in. The water’s warm.” This variety of species loves to sit for hours-on-end while naked in either the sauna or the hot-tub. Occasionally it will demonstrate an exclusive species act, which is readily identifiable when it props its leg up only in the presence of same-sex company, thereby exposing the sagging nutsack.

Wantstoconversean whilepoopingium: This species, while defecating in the corner stall of the local health-club or work-related restroom, will recognize the shoes of a buddy who’s just entered and attempt to start-up an awkward conversation, all the while using oddly-timed breaths and grunts, coupled with the occasional splatter-fart, otherwise known as a “shart”.

Probably Evolved From:

Military conditioning combined with inadvertent homosexual intrigue. In its defense, Lockeroomian needstogetdressedimus may fail to realize that things are a bit different with regards to modesty in the civilian world. This species is also bolder than ever before and therefore more prevalent in this day and age of markedly increased individual creepiness, which in general is largely due to the tolerance and leniency shown to convicted pedophiles that often get only a slap on the wrist while their victim’s lives remain completely ruined.

Close Affiliations:

Not exclusively related to any particular species, but rather sporadically scattered amongst the majority of them. Unfortunately, the only way to recognize L. needstogetdressedimus is by an awkward encounter.

Don’t Confuse With:

The naked individual in the health-club locker-room that is actively in the process of getting dressed.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Treating the health-club locker-room as if it were its-own home, which (in its mind) apparently implies that it’s okay to pace back and forth for hours while completely nude or to sit naked on the complimentary leather recliners that are perched in front of the flat-screen television that just-so-happens to be inside of some of the nicer health-club locker-rooms around town.

Approachability:

Observe from a distance. It’s too uncomfortable to purposefully approach L. needstogetdressedimus. If you do, try steadfastly to maintain proper eye-contact.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To be “cool locker-room guy”…

Reality:

… ends up being “creepy locker-room guy”.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If ever naked in a locker-room, be actively in the process of getting dressed. It’s as simple as that.