24... Shortshortsium runisimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Shortshortsium

Species:

runisimus

Common Name:

Forrest Gump™, “He wears short-shorts!”

Subcategories:

Builtinunderwearium nutsackian: Wears the short-legged runners’ shorts with the built-in underwear liner.

Ididatriathlonian butstillhaveagutimus: This breed of species will tell anyone willing to listen that it completed a triathlon; but fails to mention that it was a “MINI-triathlon” that consisted of swimming two exhausting laps in the pool, biking six grueling miles, and finally jogging five unremitting kilometers that it thought would never end. This is information that, if put forth early-on in a conversation and completely voluntarily, just might explain the enormous gut situated within the subject’s midsection.

Takesittoofarium andlooksmalnourishedimus: This individual, although in very good shape, appears malnourished due to being so thin from all of the running it does. The look is further worsened with the species-preferred short-shorts.

Probably Evolved From:

Usually possessing a small frame to begin with, it seems as if an innate characteristic of Shortshortsium runisimus is to run at every possible chance, much like there is no tomorrow. It is also important to point-out that S. runisimus is usually so thin that there is a minimal chance of excess chafing around the groin area, a common problem for mere average people.

Close Affiliations:

No really close relatives or friends within the Cheeseballion family.

Don’t Confuse With:

Pantus ondagroundamus… You might one day encounter this species running at a pretty fast pace, but usually with a television under one arm. The swiftness alone of P. ondagroundamus during this act might otherwise lead you to overlook its traditional garb and confuse it with Shortshortsium runisimus; however, it’s important to consider that it can only go so far without stopping to pull-up its pants. S. runisimus is actually the polar opposite of P. ondagroundamus, usually preferring to wear its shorts at or above the bellybutton.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

To run all over town, sometimes sans shirt, with shorts that would pose one heck of a problem if not for the standard built-in nut-hugging underwear. You’ll sometimes encounter S. runisimus at different times during the day, such as passing it by both on your way to work in the morning and on your way home the same evening, thereby leading you to believe that there are multitudes of them who don’t have jobs. Don’t be fooled: The chances are that this is the exact same S. runisimus that you encountered that same morning.

Approachability:

Usually quite docile. May talk with a lisp.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To appear in a Nair™ short-shorts commercial. Might take pleasure in one day completing a marathon or triathlon “just because”.

Reality:

A bilateral total knee replacement by the age of fifty.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Run with discretion. Twenty miles is a good distance for one week, not one day. Also, make sure that you never buy running shorts with built-in underwear that are so high-up on the thigh that you chance your ballsack peering out with any large degree of movement.