7... Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Haltertopian

Species:

twelveyearsoldimus

Common Name:

tramp-in-training, nauseatingly obnoxious weekend movie-goer

Subcategories:

Stillhasbabyfatium yetshowingdagutimus: Hardly unique to this species, it is still notorious for wearing tight-fitting belly-revealing clothes just after the onset of puberty, but before the abolishment of the baby-fat jiggling around the midsection. Pantus ondagroundamus usually doesn’t care about this, which is why it usually ends up mating with this species early in life, many times with offspring.

Theoneyoushushimum sit’nbehindyamus: At the theatre, this species has no clue of when to shut-up, usually requiring a verbal rebuke from a responsible adult nearby.

Daddyhasnoidean ivechangedclothesimus: Described in detail below.

Probably Evolved From:

Parental supervision styles (or lack thereof) ranging from naivety to neglect. A very advanced creature with lots of surface area on its cerebral cortex, Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus often realizes early in life that it can deceptively manipulate its parents, especially daddy, by displaying an innocent front under the umbrella of supervision. This advanced thinking allows it to be dropped-off with complete trust at the movie theatre amongst friends, with the parents completely unaware of the change-of-clothes in its purse. Demonstrating even more remarkably advanced thinking, H. twelveyearsoldimus instinctively anticipates the exact arrival time of its parents for pick-up, at which point (a couple of minutes before) it changes back into the original clothes it was wearing and washes off the excess makeup.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Assgonian emotianus, Krustician boogeringamus

Don’t Confuse With:

An older teen/woman who wears a halter-top well and at the appropriate times.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

H. twelveyearsoldimus enjoys the mall and the movies on weekend nights. Personally, it alone has made me the happiest father in the world that I have sired two boys thus far in life and I’m done; otherwise, I might one day be the father of a little girl that unfortunately evolved into H. twelveyearsoldimus.

You will frequently encounter H. twelveyearsoldimus at the movies sitting behind you or at the mall loitering in the food-court, all the while obnoxiously flirting with Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus.

Approachability:

Usually docile and polite, although often outwardly tactlessly insufferable with peers and acquaintances in certain settings. When called-out, H. twelveyearsoldimus will usually show some respect for you and itself, if only briefly.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To make an impression on the American Idol™ judges.

Reality:

With its advanced intelligence, H. twelveyearsoldimus is apt to outgrow this stage in life and eventually contribute to society. Nevertheless, it will more-than-likely lose its virginity to Pantus ondagroundamus, Assgonian emotianus, or Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus at an early age. A small percentage will unfortunately get “knocked-up” and one day be thirty years of age with a sixteen-year-old… Plus a grandchild.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Act your age and don’t be deceitful to your parents. Keep the clothes on that they would approve of. Do some sit-ups, stay out of the Twinkie™ cabinet, and do your best to camouflage the spare-tire of baby-fat that will fade soon-enough when you start to hit the teenage years.