18... Tittyflexium checkmeoutimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Tittyflexium

Species:

checkmeoutimus

Common Name:

meathead, muscle-head

Subcategories:

Ilovemesomemea checkmeoutimus: It is virtually impossible for this breed of species to love anything or anyone more than it loves itself.

Lookindamirrorium andgruntloudimus: While others might just breathe heavily during an intense workout, it must bring about more attention to itself by grunting so loud that it would probably make the average female professional tennis player blush with shame.

Glanceatdamirrori asiwalkbyamus: Very similar to Ifareflectionian takeaglancium, this species is specific to the mirrors in a gym.

Muscleshirtimus showsareolas: Usually stacked with muscles, and maybe even doing some pushups before donning it, this species likes to cut-into a traditional “muscle-shirt”, thereby making the shirt smaller, while both the armholes and the neck are larger. In the process, some nipple-age usually gets shown, which it’s perfectly okay with.

Tightshirtimus checkmeoutimus: Wears a form-fitted toddler-sized shirt to show-off its otherwise already noticeable pectorals and biceps. Will usually have veins bulging out of its arms, which is compounded by the tight-fitting shirt, which basically serves as a full-body tourniquet.

Cantquitequenchium mythirstimus: This is an amateurish version of T. checkmeoutimus. Usually a “wannabe”, if you will, that struts (with its chest bowed-out) by the treadmills and elliptical machines in what might [at first glance] seem to be genuine respites from intense workout sessions in search of water from a nearby fountain, but [upon closer examination] are actually well-thought-out cyclical five-minute interval journeys taken in hopes that a female on one of the adjacent workout machines might notice it.

Shavedbodyum butimaguyamus: “Oh… I do that because I’m a ‘swimmer’”. Yeah… right. It shaves its entire body for no other reason than that it is extremely narcissistic and doesn’t want ANY hair, even the slightest amount of peach-fuzz, covering its muscles.

Livesforthean shirtoffmomentimus: As if there is an appropriate thing as a “shirt-off moment” for a male, this breed of species apparently lives for such an occasion. It matters not if it is mowing the lawn, attending an outdoor barbecue, in the stands at a ballgame, at a concert, or even what temperature it might be, L. shirtoffmomentimus is destined to shed its shirt at the earliest possible convenience and without regard for others. It usually possesses an above-average masculine physique (which may be why it’s so quick to disrobe), but not always. L. shirtoffmomentimus usually complements the shirt-off look with a pair of Oakley™ sunglasses and a bandana.

Probably Evolved From:

At twelve years of age, pre-Tittyflexium checkmeoutimus might have engaged in a set or two of push-ups and looked into a mirror immediately afterwards and liked what it saw. Over time, after gaining a little mass, realizing it could voluntarily control the muscles in its chest, and encouraged by the extra attention displayed by potential mating companions, T. checkmeoutimus began to perfect the art of pectoral flexing with each passing day. It usually performs this distinctive and defining act after a set of vigorous weightlifting; however, it has become second-nature for T. checkmeoutimus to also do so during basic everyday activity, which is readily visible with the standard-breed toddler-sized tight shirt that it dons each day.

Close Affiliations:

Barbedwirean onda-armimus, Speedozium ondabeachimus, Spandexia sportomanimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Big-breasted obese people running hard on a treadmill.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Tittyflexium checkmeoutimus can usually be found at the gym somewhere near a mirror. You can often follow the sound of dropped dumbbells (no pun intended) when attempting to hone-in on its precise location. In addition to shooting-up anabolic steroids, it absolutely enjoys consuming a large bucket of whey every week within its daily protein shakes. Its mind hopelessly consumed with carbohydrate and caloric intake, T. checkmeoutimus is so obsessed with nutrition, it will make you feel guilty for drinking a soda nearby. T. checkmeoutimus loves impressing the opposite sex almost as much as it loves itself. Evenings, for the most part, are generally spent analyzing and dissecting PayPerView™ mixed-martial-arts events.

Approachability:

No worries if you are of the opposite gender and the least-bit attractive. If male, approach T. checkmeoutimus with caution while keeping both hands visible at all times. DO NOT simultaneously flex your-own pectoral muscles, as it may perceive this as a threat and subsequently put you in a full-Nelson. Unfortunately, there is no known way to prevent this from happening, should T. checkmeoutimus wish to do so. Remember to say “uncle” or to “tapout” sooner rather than later, as there are usually only about thirty seconds of consciousness that remain when said submission hold is applied.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To win The Ultimate Fighter™ on SpikeTV™… Or maybe, just maybe have someone tell them how impressive their pectoral muscles are.

Reality:

Usually becomes a personal trainer, a bouncer, or some sort of a law-enforcement officer with an attitude.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are going to lift weights, use discretion considering the amount of time you admire yourself between sets. Breathing heavily while doing so is perfectly acceptable; however, grunting loudly and forcefully is not.