1... Pantus ondagroundamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Pantus

Species:

ondagroundamus

Common Name:

uneducated dumbass, baby’s daddy, babies’ daddy, brotha from anotha mutha’s daddy

Subcategories:

Mallratium fondofurdaugterian: Stalks the mall just looking for the chance to court your daughter. And frighteningly enough is sometimes equipped with a sufficient amount of charm in order to succeed.

Jerseywearian toobigamus: Hip-Hop chic: Usually wears an oversized Miami Hurricanes™ jersey with varying degrees of bling to further complement the ass-revealing look.

Tanktopian skintightimus:Wife-beater thug: Ribbed, skin-tight tank-top, cornrows, [maybe] dreads, sloppy appearance, and/or gold teeth.

Deadbeatdaddyum itsnotmeamus: Often seen on daytime talk-shows pulling-up its pants while awaiting a DNA paternity test, all the while proclaiming that it is not the father of the cute, but unfortunate baby that is inset [picture inside a picture] or split-screened alongside it.

Sellbiblesondastreetcornerium iminnocentimus: Used to be frequently observed on the television show Cops™. No matter how guilty they appear, they are always innocent and victims of some degree of profiling.

Probably Evolved From:

Sibling hand-me-downs that never quite fit. Pantus ondagroundamus may have also evolved from prison uniforms in which belts were not allowed to particular inmates due to suicide precautions. In any event, somewhere along the line it became “cool” to wear pants below your ass-crack because everyone with a big-brother or a relative in prison (or perhaps, both) was doing it.

Close Affiliations:

Hatstillhasium pricetagamus, Cornrowian tightweaveamus

Don’t Confuse With:

Inadvertent, over-weight, or pot-bellied plumber’s crack. At least these people aren’t trying to be cool and they are usually hard-workers that don’t drain (no pun intended) the system.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

P. ondagroundamus is usually very adept and skilled at a variety of video games because the majority of its awake hours are spent playing them. You might notice on occasion that its thumbs are red, blistered, and swollen because of this.

P. ondagroundamus cannot play baseball or football during recess or physical education classes because one hand is usually dedicated to tirelessly pulling-up and/or holding the waist-band (still below the butt-crack, mind-you, with a belt!), thereby leaving only one available arm/hand, which usually somewhat hinders balance. Amazingly, however, P. ondagroundamus can usually dribble a basketball between and through the legs with amazing precision, and in between a dozen-or-so travels, [maybe] even throw-in a few “slo-motion” moves learned from its favorite And 1 Mix-Tape™, only to be helplessly exposed after the occasionally rare jump-shot (or, even rarer pass to a teammate) when said dedicated hand is forced to [once] again pull-up its pants and hold them accordingly.

Additionally, it can frequently be observed at any-given hospital near the labor and delivery wing. You see, P. ondagroundamus is very adept at reproducing. You may overhear it conversing nearby with another related species, such as Hatstillhasium pricetagamus, about how it decided to go with a different name for its new offspring after the whole delivery experience… “Secretions”. Now twin-baby-brothers  “Lemonjello” and “Orangejello” have a baby sister!... Albeit from a different mother.

Approachability:

Depends… P. ondagroundamus can be anyone ranging from a Junior-High wannabe that’s just a bit misguided in life to a low-down, dangerous, and dirty thug without regard for its-own (or your) safety. It’s best to observe P. ondagroundamus from a distance.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To qualify for the EA Sports Madden NFL™ or And 1™ Tour Buses, where it can play games all day, talk smack, and never have to actually work; or to be a part of a professional basketball player’s entourage, where it can do the same.

Reality:

P. ondagroundamus will either make an honest living flipping burgers at a fast-food restaurant, mooch off its parents for a longer period of time than what’s normal – while eventually becoming some degree of a menace to society, and/or ultimately turn out to be a beneficiary of the tax dollars of hard-working people.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Resist the urge to lower the waist-band of your pants. Once you place a belt at this level, it slowly dies a slow death while sagging more and more with each and every step.