5... Earlobeium stretchedoutimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Earlobeium

Species:

stretchedoutimus

Common Name:

dumbass, future-candidate for plastic surgery

Subcategories:

Tribalium wannabeamus: This particular breed of animal thinks it belongs to a secluded tribe somewhere in the South Pacific, even though it resides within an industrialized nation, specifically in your hometown.

Devilshornsean ondaforeheadimus: Finds it irresistible the urge to mutilate its own body in order to better resemble Lucifer, and [understandably] therefore gets little horns surgically protruding underneath the skin of the forehead. It may then complement this look by filing-down its-own teeth in a manner to which it appears to have vampire fangs.

Platelipimum nextstepimus: Trying very hard to fit-in, this “individual” goes a little bit too far in its “individualism” by sporting the plate-lip, garnering stares of disbelief from even those within its-own subcategory.

Probably Evolved From:

Earlobeium stretchedoutimus might have started out with a basic ear or nose-ring. However, while bored and sifting through National Geographic^® magazines (at the doctor’s office) and reading about tribal lore, it became envious and started getting desperate in its attempt for attention, thereby deciding to push the envelope further.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus

Don’t Confuse With:

The standard every-day plate-lipped tribal chief somewhere on a secluded island. Though sometimes tricky to tell apart, the tribal chief can usually be distinguished as the one wearing a loincloth and/or manipulating a voodoo doll.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Generally appearing uneducated while attempting to find inclusion into various social groups, of which membership is largely dependent upon the accompanying degree of bodily mutilation combined with its underlying intellect, E. stretchedoutimus’ ideal network of friends can be difficult to predict. Therefore, it can only be spotted sporadically anywhere from the occasional restaurant to an outdoor concert. When you get to observe it, consider yourself fortunate and never pass-up the opportunity to gawk.

Approachability:

Generally docile, but may be difficult to understand if also sporting the plate-lip look.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

If E. stretchedoutimus can play an instrument and/or sing, it might find varying degrees of success as a musician.

Reality:

E. stretchedoutimus better learn a trade quickly and start saving because it will take a fair amount of money to pay-off the plastic surgeons assigned to fix its ears when it is older and regretful.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are a male, why on Earth do you need even an earring?... Much-less something that’s going to stretch-out your earlobes to the point that you’ll look ridiculous and be laughed at.