23... Speedozium ondabeachimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Speedozium

Species:

ondabeachimus

Common Name:

marble-sac, cheeseball, meathead

Subcategories:

Iwearathongimi althoughimaguyimus: This breed of species [indeed] usually has the nearly perfect body for a male; however, it is helplessly unaware that wearing a thong on the beach is showing a little too much, regardless of perceived anatomical perfection. I. althoughimaguyimus would go much further in life if it would wear a standard-issue bathing suit, which would complement its masculine physique much better than the alternative.

Shouldwearashirtimi butunawarean: This subcategory usually has a below-average physique; however, this does absolutely nothing to stop it from wearing a Speedo™ when the “appropriate” time allows, such as when at the beach. In addition to not wearing a Speedo™, S. butunawarean should probably also never take off its shirt.

Probably Evolved From:

Vain conceit acquired over time from hard workouts and subsequent enlargement of every muscle, thereby leading Speedozium ondabeachimus to incorrectly assume that if it were to wear as little as possible on its next trip to the beach, then [maybe] complete strangers just might approach it to say “thank you” for gracing their eyes with such a magnificent presence.

Close Affiliations:

Tittyfleximum checkmeoutimus, Barbedwirean onda-armimus, Spandexia sportomanimus

Don’t Confuse With:

The female body-builder that [at first glance] might look like a man.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Pacing up and down the beach on the wet sand at the point where the waves crash, all the while hoping that someone might eventually notice and commend it on its physique.

Approachability:

Will appear annoyed with you if of the same sex. If S. ondabeachimus is of the same gender, but does not appear put-out with your attempts at starting a conversation, it is more-than-likely a homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that).

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To win the title of Mr. Olympia™.

Reality:

Due to frequent steroid use and the fact that it obviously started intense bodybuilding to overcompensate for a shortcoming, S. ondabeachimus is unfortunately often left with an even smaller pecker to complement its enormous frame.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Do everyone else a favor: If you are a male, no matter how awesome your physique may or may not be, please [for the love of God] wear a standard bathing suit, in the process thereby limiting the revelation of both your private parts and those nearby.