25... Tballcoachium overreactimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Tballcoachium

Species:

overreactimus

Common Name:

dumbass, “coach”

Subcategories:

Needsasskickedium butunawarean: Just the standard T-ball coach that predictably goes too far every single game.

Toohardondakidsium unapologeticimus: Fails to realize T-ball is just a game played by small children.

Sonisanallstarium makeshimproudimus: Unfortunately its son, who is also usually the best player on the team, may often bear the brunt of the impatience [resulting from unmet expectations of the offspring’s fellow teammates] in the form of a public scolding and/or beating.

Coachesshortsium withagutimus: Unfortunately this is an almost extinct sub-species that is readily identifiable by the standard Bike™ coaching shorts usually donned by an elder coach, on average at least one size too small, that insists on further complementing the look by tucking-in its shirt.

Probably Evolved From:

The insatiable cultural desire to win at all cost. Tballcoachium overreactimus has no problem raising its voice at five-year-olds who might be inattentive at times. It also apparently enjoys yelling at teenage umpires as if the outcome of a T-ball game was the sole determinant of life or death.

Close Affiliations:

Softballstarium underachieverimus, Barbedwirean onda-armimus

Don’t Confuse With:

The patient, caring, and loving T-ball coach that has no ill-conceived expectations and coaches strictly out of the kindness of his/her own heart.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Yelling at the kids during batting practice and/or making five-year-olds run laps as punishment for inattentive behavior, usually when they [the five-year-olds] have absolutely no idea why they are running laps and that they are [indeed] being punished.

Approachability:

It depends on if it has just experienced a win or a loss.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To win a National Championship every year as its son advances in age/talent.

Reality:

Has to compete with at least a dozen other T. overreactimuses every year for the local league title, much less the sheer volume of those species on a national level.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are going to coach children, lower your expectations from the very start. Also, please realize that the teen umpires do not get paid enough to put-up with your antics. Get a life well-before attempting to coach T-ball.