35... Hairinrollersium isawitallimus

Family:

GHETTOFORLIFEAN

Genus:

Hairinrollersium

Species:

isawitallimus

Common Name:

eye-witness to a crime or a tornado on the local news

Subcategories:

Tornadoium isawitallimus: It never fails… A tornado has unfortunately struck your hometown and they are interviewing a local for a firsthand eyewitness story, enter T. isawitallimus in all its glory to give a play by play of how it all went down, complete with hair in rollers, a cigarette, uneducated dialogue, and a shout-out to its homies.

Shotindastreetium isawitallimus: Simply a variation of the above, but unfortunately maybe a close relative to the victim, this species is likely to fall-out onto the sidewalk while sobbing uncontrollably about how the local law-enforcement was to blame for the death of its nephew who’d been in and out of jail with a ten page rap-sheet that included both murder and drug charges.

Probably Evolved From:

The lack of education of the average citizen coupled with the volatile climate and/or degree of crime in the neighborhood leaves Hairinrollersium isawitallimus to be a popular eyewitness for breaking news on an otherwise slow-news day.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Cornrowian tightweaveamus, Trailerparkian neverwantstoleaveamus

Don’t Confuse With:

The educated, unbiased eyewitness to a crime.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

To blame everything in the world, including its drug-addiction, on someone else.

Approachability:

Is suspect of anyone. Having a camera handy to film an Ebonics-laden diatribe against the local “system” might help make you more acceptable to speak with.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

For its local eyewitness interview to be picked-up regionally, and hopefully nationally.

Reality:

Will only get national airtime on daytime smut talk-shows that exploit it.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Educate yourself. If you or your family have a history of criminal activity, avoid the local news camera-crew that’s going door-to-door asking questions.