34... Toobigforium stretchpantsimus

Family:

GHETTOFORLIFEAN

Genus:

Toobigforium

Species:

stretchpantsimus

Common Name:

baby’s momma, babies’ momma

Subcategories:

Firstofallean butnosecondimus: Commonly seen on The Jenny Jones Show™ back in the day responding to an audience member’s comment, it always started with “First of all…”, but there was never a second point.

Isouldwearalongshirtimus butiwontian: Is completely unaware that [even with a flattering figure] the best shirt to opt for when wearing stretch pants is probably a longer one. Instead, it apparently goes for both the tightest and shortest tank-top in its drawer.

Cellulitean accentuatesimus: As if it is Tittyflexium checkmeoutimus attempting to find a tight shirt to complement its enriched pectoral-region musculature, this breed of species boldly and unashamedly dons the perfect pair of stretch-pants in order to somehow further enhance every imperfection and/or fold, sometimes pushing mere mortals to a point where they might throw-up in their-own mouth a little bit when they spot one.

Hasbigbreastean andshowstoomuchium: For every step this creature takes, its breasts take two or three.

Probably Evolved From:

The failure [over time] to find any clothes that properly fit because of the progressive enormity of this species’ thighs, stretch-pants are an obvious next-choice because they usually take care of any chaffing and are able to grow right-along with Toobigforium stretchpantsimus.

Close Affiliations:

Hairinrollersium isawitallimus, Pantus ondagroundamus, Cornrowian tightweaveamus

Don’t Confuse With:

The cottage cheese in the produce section.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

It is commonly observed at the local Walmart™ talking loudly on a cell-phone to the baby’s daddy about not having received child-support in five years. Speaking of Walmart™, if you ever hear the words on the speaker overhead stating “I need a CSM to ‘juurree’”, then you might have an optimal chance at both spotting T. stretchpantsimus and observing how it interacts with others. Occasionally when you are in a hurry to get in and out of a local store, T. stretchpantsimus will somewhat purposefully stroll slowly in front of you while being too big to pass-by on either side of the aisle. Additionally, while in line at one of the registers, it invariably needs a price-check or assistance with swiping its food-stamp-issued “credit card” that it uses to purchase its cart-full of prime-cut steaks and Little Debbie™ snacks.

Approachability:

Very mild-mannered until crossed. That’s when T. stretchpantsimus can cop an attitude that has it snapping fingers up, down, and across, while loudly proclaiming things that start with “Let me tell you somt’n…” and/or the old standby “First of all…” Unfortunately, only isolated events occur in public; however, talk-shows such as Maury Povich™ proclaim the glory of T. stretchpantsimus on a daily basis, where it is usually anticipating the results of a DNA paternity test with Pantus ondagroundamus and/or Cornrowian tightweaveamus, both of whom are usually denying being the baby’s daddy. If one or the other happens to be confirmed as the father based upon the results, it will quickly [and amazingly] spring to its feet as if light as a feather and then yell over and over into the dead-beat-daddy’s face “I told you!!!! I told you!!!! I told you!!!! What???!!! What???!!! What???!!!” At which point the viewer begins to feel sorry for the cute little baby dressed-up in the carrier whose picture is usually inset (picture inside of picture) in the corner of the television screen.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To readily reproduce.

Reality:

Readily reproduces biennially.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Exercise daily. Get an education. Before [or while] accepting taxpayer-funded assistance, get up and get a job. If you have six offspring already and cannot afford to both clothe and feed them, stop having descendants. If the baby’s(ies’) daddy(ies) is (are) [a] deadbeat(s), have better choice in men.