15... Doesntslowdownium aroundkidsimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Doesntslowdownium

Species:

aroundkidsimus

Common Name:

clueless, drag-racer, convict (manslaughter)

Subcategories:

Unawarean becauseofyouthimus: This breed of species doesn’t slow down on residential streets simply because it is yet to produce offspring and is unable to imagine how life might be without them.

Doesntcarean eitherwayimus: This creature speeds down residential streets while in its own little world. After receiving a few complaints from concerned parents, it will actually slow down to about 50 MPH, all the while feeling as if it is doing you a favor.

Crotchrocketean revsitupimus: Appearing as if it is actually laying belly-down on the motorcycle, [for no apparent reason] it will rev its motor and subsequently leave the nearby traffic in its dust as if the other automobiles are all standing still. C. revsitupimus is most definitely not afraid to place its-own life (and/or your’s) in imminent danger, all based upon its insatiable need for speed.

Motorbikean withouthelmetimus: Not very intelligent; but makes for an excellent source of organ donors.

Probably Evolved From:

With the Interstate speed limit of 70 MPH and the unmentioned, but standard safe-buffer no-speeding-ticket zone of 5-10 MPH above that threshold, Doesntslowdownium aroundkidsimus finds it very difficult to slow down to a measly 25 MPH when on a residential street. D. aroundkidsimus usually does not yet have offspring of its own, so it has a difficult time wondering what all of the fuss its neighbors make is all about.

Close Affiliations:

Neonlightium undercarimus, Coffeecanimus mufflerinium, Carradioxium loudisimus

Don’t Confuse With:

The Tasmanian Devil™ from the old Bugs Bunny™ cartoons.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

D. aroundkidsimus can be observed daily terrorizing local neighborhoods with its speeding. There are usually three types: (1) Purposefully speeding down the street while usually possessing some degree of Coffeecanimus mufflerinium, it often enjoys peeling-out and burning rubber at any-given chance. (2) Usually completely unaware that it is actually speeding. Admittedly, it takes a conscious choice from a creature to slow down to a safe speed after a long commute that is mostly Interstate. (3) Has fielded complaints about its speeding before, so it “slows down” to a more-acceptable speed, which is actually still very unsafe for the neighborhood children that dare play outside. If confronted, this species will often throw its hands up in disgust, look the complainant straight in the eye, and deny that it was going too fast.

Approachability:

Usually approachable as long as it is outside of its automobile.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To go 0-60 MPH in three seconds… On your residential street.

Reality:

Unfortunately, D. aroundkidsimus will have to actually run-over someone (hopefully not a child) before even considering that it maybe should change.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Within reason, it really doesn’t matter how fast you drive on most roadways; however, it is best to do the posted speed-limit on residential streets. You never know what might jump out in front of you.