26... Softballstarium underachieverimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Softballstarium

Species:

underachieverimus

Common Name:

“Softball Guy” à la Jim Rome

Subcategories:

Goldchainium toobigamus: Just like its favorite baseball player, it has to also wear the oversized gold chain on the outside of the jersey.

Hitsahomerunian everytimemus: Somehow times its powerful swing with the blurring velocity of an underhand-pitched oversized ball, predictably resulting in at least three homeruns every game.

Onlyattendschurchium duringdaseasonean: If it is softball season, this breed of species has perfect attendance at church. This feat is actually quite amazing considering its predictably near-perfect absenteeism during the off-season.

Probably Evolved From:

Too many good baseball players, but not enough spots in the major leagues. High-school baseball stars are a dime-a-dozen these days, thereby taking what might be a species’ only significant talent, and expecting it to parlay that physical talent into success at everyday life. The problem therein lies in the fact that such physical ability is only useful in an athletic setting, where it is easily exploited. Softballstarium underachieverimus therefore places every ounce of energy into excelling in the softball league, even though it might not put nearly that amount of effort into anything else, such as its relationship with a mate or its offspring.

Close Affiliations:

Tballcoachium overreactimus, Barbedwirean onda-armimus, Goldchanium withamedallion

Don’t Confuse With:

The standard semi-talented softball player who doesn’t care to visit the slow-pitch batting cages on non-gamedays (as much as a hoot as that sounds), instead choosing that day to spend quality time with his family.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

As mentioned, may be found at the slow-pitch batting cages in the off-season honing its skills. It may also kiss its hands, cross its heart, and finally point to the sky (just like its favorite MLB™ player) while crossing home plate after hitting one over the fence during a routine softball game.

Approachability:

Can be a hothead if it feels threatened. Any umpire would be better-off calling it “safe” on a close play, even if it really does not beat-out the throw.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To go to some type of softball world-series tournament and place, preferably first.

Reality:

Might not be able to get off work from its grocery-store-shelves-stocking job in order to make it to all the games on time.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

It’s okay to play softball; but don’t take it too seriously.