29... Facebookium neverlefthighschoolimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Facebookium

Species:

neverlefthighschoolimus

Common Name:

the hourly status updater

Subcategories:

Vaguebookium neverlefthighschoolimus: Places frequent status updates that are emotional in nature, but notoriously and consistently nonspecific. Its average post will have a minimum of twenty comments, all of them attempting to get to the bottom of what’s ailing this creature.

Lyricsofasongium fillintherestimus: This breed of species has nothing better to do with its time than to type-in the lyrics of a popular song and hope that one or [preferably] more of its friends successfully completes it.

Threatenapparentfriendium outindaopenimus: This species has a bone to chew with one of its friends and is letting all of its other friends in on the secret using a scolding [usually nonspecific] status update.

Takingapoopium thoughtyoudliketoknowimus: Annoyingly puts everything that it is doing for that day in the status update for a grand-total of usually around a dozen-or-so posts every twenty-four hours, many times with TMI.

Politicallyabrasivean bestagreewithitimus: This creature is usually resides at one of the polar-opposite-ends of the two-party political system and frequently lets you in on exactly what you should think about certain candidates and issues that it thinks are important.

Profilepicium noshirtimus: Frequently associated with Tittyflexium checkmeoutimus, this breed conveniently places a cropped, shirtless profile picture to display the pectorals that it is so proud of for the entire world to see.

Nothingtowritean butisorughium: Feels the need to update its status with things such as “is”, “FML”, “ugh”, or “…”; apparently just because.

Tellsyouwhatdayium incaseyouforgotimus: Mondays get something like “Monday… ugh”. Tuesdays it might proclaim things like “Just four more days…” or maybe boast of a short week saying “Four-day work week with only two more after this one. Can’t wait for the weekend!” Wednesdays almost exclusively get a “Hump-day!” On Thursdays it is usually more random with a “Watching the clock. Can’t wait for five o’clock!” or a follow-up from the short work-week blowhard stating “Three day weekend starts today!” Fridays almost universally receive a “TGIF!!!” On Saturdays it will usually first remind you of the day and then give you a detailed play-by-play of its plans. And finally, Sunday evenings there is nearly always a suggestion that the weekend was too short and that it is [once again] dreading Monday.

Playsdagamesium andwastestimean: This is the breed that is always taking a picture of its Farmville™ crops for the world to see or asking fellow MafiaWars™ friends for help when it should be playing with its offspring or helping-out with homework.

Quotean tolivebyium: Frequently posts someone else’s quote or words of wisdom as a status update.

Probably Evolved From:

A tendency to want to relive the glory-days of high-school where problems were minimalistic in comparison and more people actually cared what was on another person’s mind at any-given moment. Facebookium neverlefthighschoolimus eventually gets to a point where apparently every bit of its self-worth comes from the online comments of others.

Close Affiliations:

Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus, Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium

Don’t Confuse With:

A Twitter™ account, which is even more random; and thus more annoying.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Always online and generally the first to comment on anybody’s post.

Approachability:

Usually friendly and docile; but don’t be fooled: it can turn on you in a heartbeat and then proclaim to all its friends in a status update about how you suck for double-crossing it.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To have a blog with lots of followers.

Reality:

Nobody really cares that much. And if they do, they are just as online-psycho as F. neverlefthighschoolimus.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are on Facebook™, and if you must make a status update, generally one a day is sufficient. By no means should you ever comment on anyone else’s provocative post. And never post anything having to do with work, especially derogatory remarks about those you work with.

Author’s personal note:

I will admit that it is fun to be on Facebook™ to see all of this playing-out firsthand.