17... Spandexia sportomanimus

Family:

CHEESEBALLION

Genus:

Spandexia

Species:

sportomanimus

Common Name:

meathead

Subcategories:

Spotliftium yellrealloudimus: Obnoxiously yells at its weight-lifting partner while it is spotting in a spandex unitard.

Ifareflectionian takeaglancium: This species loves the tinted window on a sunny day. You can usually zero-in on it walking by a store-front loaded with windows, at which point it instinctively checks itself out in the reflection therein. If lucky, you may even spot it getting a close-up and fixing its hair and or sunglasses; but usually it prefers the subtle side walking glancing gesture in which the profile is mirrored, of course with the chest correctly bowed-out into an enviable position, if not already so.

Probably Evolved From:

WWF™-induced steroid mania making Hulk Hogan™ a household name.

Close Affiliations:

Tittyfleximum checkmeoutimus, Barbedwirean onda-armimus, Speedozium ondabeachimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Yellowjerseyian bikerideamus: Like Spandexia sportomanimus, it also wears spandex™; however, you will rarely find Y. bikerideamus at the gym. Instead, you’ll be better-off if you zero-in on the immediate weeks following the Tour De France^®. Perhaps now with a little motivation, you might find Y. bikerideamus, in spite of a beer-belly and bird-legs, dusting-off its bicycle and unfortunately donning the predictable yellow spandex jersey with black pants, ass-pads and all, scarring the neighborhood children for life with simply one encounter. Luckily, its motivation is exclusive to the two weeks every year that follow the race, so kids actually have a rare chance at exposure.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

To spend every waking hour at the gym.

Approachability:

Usually has a very short fuse. Approach with caution.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To win a body-building title or land a spot on WWE™.

Reality:

Eventually comes to the realization that despite being a muscle-bound freak, nobody wants to be with a narcissist who has steroid rages.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Lift weights with discretion.