5... Earlobeium stretchedoutimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Earlobeium

Species:

stretchedoutimus

Common Name:

dumbass, future-candidate for plastic surgery

Subcategories:

Tribalium wannabeamus: This particular breed of animal thinks it belongs to a secluded tribe somewhere in the South Pacific, even though it resides within an industrialized nation, specifically in your hometown.

Devilshornsean ondaforeheadimus: Finds it irresistible the urge to mutilate its own body in order to better resemble Lucifer, and [understandably] therefore gets little horns surgically protruding underneath the skin of the forehead. It may then complement this look by filing-down its-own teeth in a manner to which it appears to have vampire fangs.

Platelipimum nextstepimus: Trying very hard to fit-in, this “individual” goes a little bit too far in its “individualism” by sporting the plate-lip, garnering stares of disbelief from even those within its-own subcategory.

Probably Evolved From:

Earlobeium stretchedoutimus might have started out with a basic ear or nose-ring. However, while bored and sifting through National Geographic^® magazines (at the doctor’s office) and reading about tribal lore, it became envious and started getting desperate in its attempt for attention, thereby deciding to push the envelope further.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus

Don’t Confuse With:

The standard every-day plate-lipped tribal chief somewhere on a secluded island. Though sometimes tricky to tell apart, the tribal chief can usually be distinguished as the one wearing a loincloth and/or manipulating a voodoo doll.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Generally appearing uneducated while attempting to find inclusion into various social groups, of which membership is largely dependent upon the accompanying degree of bodily mutilation combined with its underlying intellect, E. stretchedoutimus’ ideal network of friends can be difficult to predict. Therefore, it can only be spotted sporadically anywhere from the occasional restaurant to an outdoor concert. When you get to observe it, consider yourself fortunate and never pass-up the opportunity to gawk.

Approachability:

Generally docile, but may be difficult to understand if also sporting the plate-lip look.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

If E. stretchedoutimus can play an instrument and/or sing, it might find varying degrees of success as a musician.

Reality:

E. stretchedoutimus better learn a trade quickly and start saving because it will take a fair amount of money to pay-off the plastic surgeons assigned to fix its ears when it is older and regretful.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are a male, why on Earth do you need even an earring?... Much-less something that’s going to stretch-out your earlobes to the point that you’ll look ridiculous and be laughed at.

6... Hatstillhasium pricetagamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Hatstillhasium

Species:

pricetagamus

Common Name:

idiot, dumbass, criminal, convict

Subcategories:

Hattiltium sidewaysamus: Truly incapable of squaring its hat straight on its-own head.

Neverwenttocollegium numberonefanimus: Never assume that the species wearing a matching USC™ or University of Miami™ ensemble (complete with a jersey and matching hat that is tilted and still has the price-tag) is actually a current student or alumnus; or even has their GED, for that matter.

Hoodedshirtimi butitsnotcoldimus: It’s a comfy 75°’s Fahrenheit outside (or warmer), but this breed of species must wear a complete ensemble that it apparently picked up from the FBI’s Unabomber sketch, often completing the oversized, hooded look with complementing ass-revealing pants that sport the equivalent to the male-version garment-bling introduced by the makers of the Bedazzler™.

Probably Evolved From:

Vanity, narcissism, and general pride in the superficial appearance that [at first glance] the headgear appears to have been shoplifted. Varying degrees and combinations of Hatstillhasium pricetagamus further convey a social class makeup roughly dependent on the final assortment of the labels, with a rather reputable trademarked brand, a readily visible higher-end cost, a dope-appearing barcode, and the final degree of tiltage and bend (or lack thereof) rounding out the qualifications of belonging to an array of sociocultural categories.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Neonlightium undercarimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Inadvertent tilting of the hat or the unforeseen sticker that might have been overlooked under the brim on the consumer that was a little too eager to wear his/her new ball-cap before first checking to make sure all the labels were off.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

In addition to holding up its pants, H. pricetagamus enjoys hanging-out in Walmart™ or BestBuy™ tirelessly playing the complimentary videogame console in the electronics department. It also enjoys shoplifting (preferably a hat) on its way out of the store.

God-forbid H. pricetagamus has a hint of artistic ability, you might best observe it spray-painting graffiti on the façade of buildings downtown, defacing the newly-opened playground just down the street, or splattering foreign-language-looking gibberish on the freight cars at the rail yard; which is amazing in-and-of itself because the majority of the subcategories associated with H. pricetagamus rarely even come close to being proficient with the native tongue. The spray-paint can is usually very easily hidden under the enormous ass-revealing pants that are almost exclusively preferred by H. pricetagamus, should “trouble” in the form of upholders of the law venture nearby for a closer look. Just remember that if you are a potential mate (yes, I’m talking to you, Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus), it may not be as happy as you think to see you.

Approachability:

H. pricetagamus is closely associated with Pantus ondagroundamus. Getting too close may be hazardous. It is best to observe from a distance.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

A spot playing video games for money on the Madden NFL™ tour-bus.

Reality:

“You want fries wit’dat?”

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Very simple: Actually purchase the things that you take off the shelves of a store; but remember to remove the price-tag. Also, make sure that both sides of the brim on your hat in your peripheral vision fields are equally visible at all times when placed upon your-own head.

7... Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Haltertopian

Species:

twelveyearsoldimus

Common Name:

tramp-in-training, nauseatingly obnoxious weekend movie-goer

Subcategories:

Stillhasbabyfatium yetshowingdagutimus: Hardly unique to this species, it is still notorious for wearing tight-fitting belly-revealing clothes just after the onset of puberty, but before the abolishment of the baby-fat jiggling around the midsection. Pantus ondagroundamus usually doesn’t care about this, which is why it usually ends up mating with this species early in life, many times with offspring.

Theoneyoushushimum sit’nbehindyamus: At the theatre, this species has no clue of when to shut-up, usually requiring a verbal rebuke from a responsible adult nearby.

Daddyhasnoidean ivechangedclothesimus: Described in detail below.

Probably Evolved From:

Parental supervision styles (or lack thereof) ranging from naivety to neglect. A very advanced creature with lots of surface area on its cerebral cortex, Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus often realizes early in life that it can deceptively manipulate its parents, especially daddy, by displaying an innocent front under the umbrella of supervision. This advanced thinking allows it to be dropped-off with complete trust at the movie theatre amongst friends, with the parents completely unaware of the change-of-clothes in its purse. Demonstrating even more remarkably advanced thinking, H. twelveyearsoldimus instinctively anticipates the exact arrival time of its parents for pick-up, at which point (a couple of minutes before) it changes back into the original clothes it was wearing and washes off the excess makeup.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Assgonian emotianus, Krustician boogeringamus

Don’t Confuse With:

An older teen/woman who wears a halter-top well and at the appropriate times.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

H. twelveyearsoldimus enjoys the mall and the movies on weekend nights. Personally, it alone has made me the happiest father in the world that I have sired two boys thus far in life and I’m done; otherwise, I might one day be the father of a little girl that unfortunately evolved into H. twelveyearsoldimus.

You will frequently encounter H. twelveyearsoldimus at the movies sitting behind you or at the mall loitering in the food-court, all the while obnoxiously flirting with Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus.

Approachability:

Usually docile and polite, although often outwardly tactlessly insufferable with peers and acquaintances in certain settings. When called-out, H. twelveyearsoldimus will usually show some respect for you and itself, if only briefly.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To make an impression on the American Idol™ judges.

Reality:

With its advanced intelligence, H. twelveyearsoldimus is apt to outgrow this stage in life and eventually contribute to society. Nevertheless, it will more-than-likely lose its virginity to Pantus ondagroundamus, Assgonian emotianus, or Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus at an early age. A small percentage will unfortunately get “knocked-up” and one day be thirty years of age with a sixteen-year-old… Plus a grandchild.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Act your age and don’t be deceitful to your parents. Keep the clothes on that they would approve of. Do some sit-ups, stay out of the Twinkie™ cabinet, and do your best to camouflage the spare-tire of baby-fat that will fade soon-enough when you start to hit the teenage years.

8... Cornrowian tightweaveamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Cornrowian

Species:

tightweaveamus

Common Name:

Professional basketball player

Subcategories:

Cornrowian straightisimus: Standard cornrows exposing the scalp in straight lines.

Cornrowian zigzagamus: Adding a little pizzazz, standard cornrows can be transformed into lightning-bolt precision, thereby adding more time to the process, but apparently well worth the compliments.

Afrosian inbetweenamus: This is the idle time that elapses while letting the afro grow; or in-between weaves.

Afrosian hairpickamus: Nearly extinct since the early to mid-80’s, but still spotted from time to time, A. hairpickamus is distinctly identified by the hair-pick-comb that is strategically placed and anchored somewhere within the afro, usually both anatomically posterior and inferior, while on either side of the head.

Probably Evolved From:

Cornrowian tightweaveamus began evolving in the late-60’s to early-70’s, but the most significant developments have occurred over the last twenty years, when closely-related species began evolving to think beyond the Arsenio Hall-fade.

Close Affiliations:

Uncleanium dreadlocksimus, Pantus ondagroudamus, Haveanattitudean entitlementimus

Don’t Confuse With:

A very cute school-aged African American girl whose mom braided her hair with beads and dressed her up nicely for the school pictures taken earlier that day.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Wondering why “the man” is keeping it down, all the while doing nothing useful in the meantime.

Approachability:

Very unpredictable; C. tightweaveamus can range from teddy-bear to thuggish in both appearance and attitude.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To be a professional basketball player; or maybe belong to one’s entourage of ‘homies’; or their posse.

Reality:

Usually becomes a thug of some degree.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Keep your hair short and clean.

9... Uncleanium dreadlocksimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Uncleanium

Species:

dreadlocksimus

Common Name:

liberal, tree-hugger, stoner, hip-hop artist

Subcategories:

Hiphopsian dreadlocksimus

Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium

Wantstosmokedopeamus andbeleftalonean

All of the above are described in detail below.

Probably Evolved From:

Trips over time to Jamaica and an inclination to their care-free lifestyle and Marley-style music, while conveniently ignoring the overt poverty and lawlessness that covers much of the land, with the resulting stagnation and lack of incentive eventually adopted and brought-over to the mainland in the form of “individualism”. After the movie Predator™, there was a surge in the population of Uncleanium dreadlocksimus. Recently, environmentally-minded species have been known to morph into varying forms.

Close Affiliations:

Cornrowian tightweavamus

Don’t Confuse With:

The simply dirty, matted, and disheveled hair that you might find on a homeless person who lacks the basic facilities and supplies to maintain the hair’s functionality.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

It depends… Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium enjoys picketing large companies and the Republican Party in the name of Global Warming using a bullhorn. It is also very concerned with the carbon footprint of your sport-utility vehicle. Hiphopsian dreadloscksimus is usually busy flipping burgers by day, and working on his hopeful hit rap-album by night. Wantstosmokedopeamus andbeleftalonean can sometimes be spotted at the Waffle House™ satisfying a case of the munchies in the wee-morning hours.

Approachability:

It all depends on the venue and your attitude. By all means, ditch your sport-utility vehicle well before encountering Savetheplanetus bynotshoweringium. If you don’t, you will get an earful about your carbon footprint. Also, do not approach it in the middle of a rally and expect to just observe. Because it assumes that everyone else that dares to venture nearby shares its opinion, it will put you to work holding a sign, chanting, or perhaps send you off to infiltrate a Tea Party assembly somewhere.

Hiphopsian dreadlocksimus is generally docile, other than being annoying when exposed to its second-hand rap while next to it at a traffic light. It is easy to make conversation with and may even drop a rhyme or two in the process.

Wantstosmokedopeamus andbeleftalonean is completely harmless and might even allow you to pet it.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To be an Earth Day coordinator of some sort and eventually pay-off the Prius™ that it financed for seven years with no money down.

Reality:

Potential mates prefer companions that shower, use shampoo and soap, are educated with a steady career, are not drug-abusers, and/or are not so caught-up in pointing-out everyone else’s need to change for the environment.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Shower and use a hair-styling utensil of some sort. Get an education and don’t bother with hanging all of your hopes in life on your limited Hip-hop rap talent. Simply avoid doing drugs.

10... Pimpmyrideamus bigfatspoilerium

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Pimpmyrideamus

Species:

bigfatspoilerium

Common Name:

traffic-light drag-racer, idiot, dumbass, organ-donor

For a realistic glance into its life, watch the movie Gran Torino™.

Subcategories:

Pimpmyrideamus wanttoflyean: The oversized spoiler on this car makes it appear as if it’s futuristic. At a certain speed, it might actually take flight, or maybe even (in the presence of a little plutonium) stir-up an interaction within the flux capacitor, thereby enabling time-travel.

Pimpmyrideamus flamesdowndasidean: If its car actually catches fire, you’d never be able to tell.

Pimpmyrideamus lowridetruckian: This is a throw-over from the late 1980’s, complete with absolutely no shocks and the roughest ride you’ve ever ridden.

Probably Evolved From:

Helpless attempts to turn an average car (that has nothing wrong with it) into a joke, regardless of how nice the paintjob might be.

Close Affiliations:

Neonlightium undercarimus, Coffeecanimus mufflerinium, Carradioxium loudisimus, Pantus ondagroundamus, Spinnerrimsium cantpaydarentimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Legitimate restoration projects on older cars.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Besides being a general dumbass, Pimpmyrideamus bigfatspoilerium enjoys taunting the car next to it at a traffic-light, regardless of the other traffic, attempting to get it to race. It also enjoys subjecting anyone within one hundred yards to the second-hand rap blaring out of its open windows.

Approachability:

Just stay away from it. Its stupidity is contagious.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To impress Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus.

Reality:

It will eventually end-up an organ-donor after an accident while drag-racing on a busy street. Hopefully there will be minimal collateral damage.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

The items that come “stock” on your car are just fine, unless they actually need to be replaced. Remember that an automobile is meant to stay on the ground and doesn’t need a spoiler that might actually help it to take flight. Painted flames down the side is never a good thing.

11... Spinnerrimsium cantpaydarentimus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Spinnerrimsium

Species:

cantpaydarentimus

Common Name:

Backstreet Boy™ wannabe

Subcategories:

Canaryellowmus hummerean: Has spinner rims on a canary-yellow Hummer™, as if the fact that it was “canary-yellow” and/or a “Hummer™” wasn’t cheesy enough.

Rimsworthmorean thandacarimus: Basically polishing up a turd, this species of animal spends more on the rims than what the actual car is worth.

Probably Evolved From:

The insatiable desire to appear as if the automobile is moving at all times, even when parked.

Close Affiliations:

Pantus ondagroundamus, Neonlightium undercarimus, Coffeecanimus mufflerinium, Carradioxium loudisimus

Don’t Confuse With:

The dislodged, rolling hubcap originating from an automobile that unfortunately hit the pothole nearby.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

Spending endless amounts of money on its automobile, but somehow not being able to pay the rent or for its-own health insurance.

Approachability:

Can be hazardous due to the difficulty in determining whether or not the automobile is stationary or moving.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To one day be on MTV’s™ Cribs^® pointing out the “dope” rims on its Escalade^®.

Reality:

“Would you like to super-size your order today?”

How to Avoid Becoming One:

The rims that come “stock” on any-given car are usually good enough to both appear acceptable and function quite well.