4... Assgonian emotianus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Assgonian

Species:

emotianus

Common Name:

emo, “dude, where’s my ass?”, screamo, goth

Subcategories:

Studdedbeltacus andwristbandamus: Usually purchases a spiked-belt and wristband in matching sets from the local “goth” shop.

Longswepthairamus coversaneyeian: Annoyingly and consistently hangs its head diagonally in a futile attempt to see without obstruction, only to eventually succumb by flicking its head (and therefore its bangs) and/or sweeping the brow-line in an effort to better straighten its neck and head, all in the name of both adequate vision and posture, if only for a few seconds before repeating the process over and over.

Dyeddblackhairamus withcoloredhilightsicum: Usually involves varying degrees of all the subcategories, with darker and heavier clothing, especially standing-out from a crowd in the warm summer months.

Anklehuggingpantsicum wheresmyassimus: Characterized as “skinny” jeans that don’t look good on any species.

Iwearlipstickium eventhoimaguyamus: “Gothic” statement maker that wears black lipstick, even though it’s a male.

Iweareyelinerium eventhoimaguyamus: Thinks it is Adam Lambert.

Selfinflictorium ofpainium: Loves to do stupid things like take a dry eraser and mutilate itself by rubbing it back and forth somewhere on its body until the point that a mark or [even better] an initial is left, perhaps permanently by a scar.

Probably Evolved From:

Similar to Pantus ondagroundamus; but instead of hand-me-downs that were too big, sibling-recycled pants that were too small combined with generational fad changes yielded skinny-jeans (that somehow camouflage even the biggest ass) with ankle-hugging bottoms (popular in the 80’s) having to make it in a world where flared, roomy cuffs were becoming all the rage. Couple this with post-9/11 emotions, an unfortunate bullying at the hands of a popular jock, and [in general] an inability to cope in the world in which we live today, then throw-in some parental neglect and liberal haircut rules to boot, and you might see how Assgonian emotianus quickly found a foothold in our society once it came across one or two other species within its subcategories.

Close Affiliations:

Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus, Teenagerium tooyoungtosmokeamus, Earlobeium stretchedoutimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Your average long-haired hippy. A. emotianus usually has long hair, but it’s dyed black with sweeping bangs covering one (or both) eye(s), with [maybe] some pops of color [neon] in between.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

A. emotianus apparently loves hanging out at the food-court in the local mall or smoking just outside the doors. Occasionally A. emotianus will brandish a skateboard, at which point it’s usually put to good use tearing up the curbsides and/or the bricked-in borders containing the shrubbery that decorates the outside of the mall’s entranceway. Very much like Krustician boogeringamus, A. emotianus may also have an athletic sibling, so it, too, can often be found at the local ballpark (away from the ball-fields) simply acting like a withdrawn weirdo.

Approachability:

A. emotianus is usually quiet in the company of adults and extremely fragile to the words of others, even if this is not so apparent in the immediate aftermath of an initial insult. Be careful how close you get. When provoked, it can easily harm both itself and the others around it. A. emotianus is very capable of overreacting and is [most definitely] not afraid of obtaining and using mass-weaponry in what it perceives as an extreme circumstance. If you ever encounter A. emotianus wearing a trench-coat and sunglasses, turn around and run like hell.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

A. emotianus could potentially be in some degree of an indie-pop band, but it’s highly unlikely because it rarely sings well and usually can’t play an instrument. In a few circumstances, A. emotianus can open-up a local Gothic-style clothing store and remain this way for life, evolving into other species within the family LOSERIUM along the way.

Reality:

A. emotianus will hopefully make it out of high-school without harming itself or others, at which point it will work for minimum wage while looking forward to the occasional overnight raves at local clubs.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are a male, don’t dye your hair black (or any color, for that matter), wear lipstick, or eyeliner. If it falls in front of either eye, cut it rather than dealing with the nuisance. When trying on pants, if your ass suddenly disappears at the same time that your ankles begin to bulge, don’t buy the pants. Avoid the apparently irresistible urge to wear a studded belt and matching wristband. And while the black leather trench coat might just complement any outfit, it’s best to avoid the look altogether. This is especially true if it just so happens to be 95°’s Fahrenheit outside. Whether you are innocent or not, [in this day and age] I promise that you’ll arouse suspicion. Additionally, it’s also best to avoid any temptation to self-mutilate your body.