preface...

preface…

I’ll let you in on a little secret in life that you might not be quite aware of just yet, all in the hope that when you eventually become conscious of it that it won’t be too late: You are going to get old. Not only this, but getting old is a bitch if it suddenly catches you off-guard later in life and you are left in retrospection looking back on a wasted youth and wishing that you’d have educated yourself while ignoring the urge to wear ass-revealing jeans and/or mutilate your-own body. Yes, that even includes you with the cute little butterfly and/or fraternity symbol tattooed on your ankle.

In fact, as cool as you may think you are presently [at whatever point in your life], it is always best to keep one eye on the future while abstaining from the practices that might hinder your livelihood and family-dynamics in the time that is to come. While living life day by day because you are not guaranteed tomorrow sounds good, life-insurance companies make tons of money based upon the simple fact that vast majority of you will [in fact] live to a ripe old age. So… It’s probably best to pull your pants up right now and [for once] consider that your future is imminent. I guarantee you that the tramp-stamp on your lower back and/or the barbed-wire on your upper arm won’t look nearly as sexy at 70 years of age as it does today. The use of present tense forethought regarding every decision that you make (especially ones that stay with you for a lifetime) means that it’s less likely in the future that you’ll ever be forced to explain such travesties to your overly curious and inquisitive grandchildren; not to mention a decade or so later when [theoretically] you might be worried about what the nurses are thinking as they are turning you from side to side in order to change your diaper. Nevertheless, a little anticipation in all of this during the formative years will hopefully help you on your way to being a productive citizen able to provide a comfortable living for your family that is to be, while also preparing you for a secure retirement in the latter years, hopefully before any of the aforementioned scenarios were to [God-forbid] take place.

With that said, this book is a voyage into my mind (a financially and socially successful late thirty-something) that reveals many opinions concerning today’s youth (and society in general) with amazingly accurate and humorous predictions regarding the potential they might possess [based upon their respective appearances and actions] in comparison to what they will eventually make of themselves.

You see… I was fortunate enough to have a caring mentor at thirteen years of age that bluntly gave me similar information after noticing that I was headed on a path in life that led to nowhere. The information in the following pages takes into account the road in life that I was once on and the about-face that ensued once it was all presented to me in a comparable, likewise fashion. In my opinion based upon my experiences, no-nonsense straightforward talk is what many of today’s youth need to hear in order to somehow garner a revealing glance inside the blurry fishbowl that is their-own life from the outside where they can see the entire picture more clearly.

So… Let’s pretend for a moment that we live in a seemingly make-believe world in which today’s youth (or even my-own children) and the others mentioned later in the book actually give a crap about what I (or someone else) might have to say. Furthermore, let’s also imagine that they are remotely capable of objective reasoning regarding their-own appearances and/or habits once those tendencies are laid out right in front of them.

With that in mind…

introduction...

introduction...

There are certain instances in everyone’s life that generally define what each individual will eventually make of it. As mentioned earlier, I know this firsthand; and being a parent of two young boys has me very worried that their ultimate potential in life might one day be quashed by an unfortunate wrong-turn here or there, friendships within the wrong group, and/or seemingly innocent generally punkish behavior, all while on “my watch”. Even worse for me is the thought that if I were to [God-forbid] croak prematurely, absolutely no one would be there (or willing) to point-out to my children the specific, intimate, and personal father-to-son preferences and suggestions that I might’ve otherwise had the opportunity to relay had I lived life long enough to encounter the variety of occurrences that might have happened to spark such advice. Things like “Ummm… Son, your ball-cap is beginning to look a little-bit tilted to the side there. I’m sure it’s inadvertent, but you might want to fix it”, or “Ummm… Son, those pants appear to be a bit too big on ya. Maybe you and I can head on out to the batting cages a little earlier today and perhaps swing by the mall to pick-up some pants that actually fit ya?”, or “Ummm… Son, if you ever pierce any part of your body or get a tattoo before leaving my nest, I’ll have you know that there will be negative consequences that are best left unspoken”.

And so I started writing this “book”, “mission statement”, or “whatever it is” as if my time here on earth with my kids might be temporary. Now, I must point-out that this is very different in regards to what I might write if I were to ever be given a terminal diagnosis/prognosis. In [God-forbid] such an occurrence, I would probably be more-inclined to write something “inspirational” in nature; but [as far as I know] I’m not dying. I’m simply afraid that I might kick the bucket prior to my kids reaching the impressionable age of reason that truly starts to define one’s character.

You see… In this day and age, I’ve come to the conclusion that kids need to be informed of many of the things that adults might have taken for granted a generation or two ago. Otherwise they wouldn’t be so content ridiculously strutting around with tattoos up and down their arms and neck, and with every possible orifice and/or protuberance pierced, all the while appearing to be an uneducated dumbass as their underwear and/or butt-cracks are showing. Unbeknownst to them as they do this, their life’s potential slowly, but surely circles the drain with each and every step they take, the third or fourth one usually followed by a completely avoidable half-hearted pants-pull-up attempt. What I mean is that they need to be informed that they will [in fact] get older, and that each decision they make in life, even the most trivial, will mysteriously have a cumulative effect on how they’ll end-up in the future.

In this context, and based upon what I see every day, what follows is my take on exactly what my children and the average youth in America needs to hear. I must warn you, however, that it’s brutally honest. You may see your child (or even yourself) at times and get pissed when I insinuate that they (or you) are on their (your) way to being either a loser or a cheeseball. But, the chances are that you’ll like what I have to write and subsequently share it with others that you might know.

Here’s to hoping that there are tons more laughs than offenses in the following pages.

evolution...

evolution…

Evolution: Here is a word that can divide a cross-section of any-given population, with varying degrees of opinion on the matter usually coinciding somewhat with spiritual beliefs and/or the lack thereof, many times regardless of the presence [or not] of a previous formal scientifically-based education. What I mean is that there are highly educated people on both sides of the argument, many of whom bring-up very good points supporting their beliefs. In the end, however, it usually boils down to talking-points in theology versus atheism / agnosticism, thereby leaving those of us somewhere in the middle both under-heard and under-appreciated.

By the way, I’m one of those in-between the two sides. Yes, go ahead and tell me all about the “Big Bang” and the fallout that occurred and just-so-happened to randomly sort and blend molecular level entities [amino acids] in such a manner to somehow form one complex protein. Then lecture me further on how over a million of these structures bonded [without direction or sequence], remained stable over ‘millions of years’, and finally formed the functional unit that we know today as the cell. Oh, and don’t forget to instruct me on exactly how a trillion or so of these cells somehow found themselves and each other wallowing in a pool of pond scum, many of them bored out of their wits, until one of them decided to spawn some sexual genitalia, pull-out a doobie, and put on some Hendrix, with the other ones quickly following suit; which obviously culminated in a free-for-all orgy – thereby multiplying and [‘over millions of years’] eventually creating the multifaceted life-form that we know today as a living organism. And finally, give me a detailed play-by-play on precisely how these organisms mutated, transformed, and metamorphosed to become the more-complex life-forms that we currently encounter every day, including human life.

The point here is that we exist, and despite how smart you think you are, you cannot fully explain how, or even why? This is not to say that theology has all of the answers regarding the origin of life; but to tell you the truth (and despite having a science-based education, myself), given the world that I see every day, I’m sometimes more-inclined to believe the “fairy-tale” religious version over the detailed, graphic version depicted by scientists over and over as if they’ve been present all-along to witness the spectacle firsthand.

Nevertheless, lately I’ve been thinking, and overwhelming evidence has been steadily showing that human-evolution IS [in fact] occurring, despite the fact that most of you reading this still have your pinky toes and appendix. Not only this, but it’s occurring at a faster pace than evolutionists might’ve previously thought, being that things always occur at a minimum “over millions of years” for these people. It is my theory that 100 years from now, human evolution will be proven and widely accepted, hopefully from the arguments pointed-out in this book.

There is a catch, however. From my-own research, every indication is that human evolution is NOT an adaptation that suggests “survival of the fittest”, as Charles Darwin once hypothesized. Instead, it’s progressive morphologically-induced conscious change discretely manifesting itself in individuals by measurable outward appearances and thought processes, over time inherently allowing and encouraging human beings into doing just-enough to get by, all while enabling the process of entitlements and wealth distribution.

You see, through frequent trips to the mall, the movies, the gym, and the ballpark (just to name a few), and coupled with the recent direction of the United States government, I’ve started to come-up with my-own “Darwinian” taxonomy system from detailed observation while people-watching, further suggesting exactly what Darwin was saying all along, only that evolution is NOT in essence “the early bird gets the worm”, but more like “the early bird gets the worm and then divides it evenly between its neighbors, all of whom slept in.”

We’ve all been taught the taxonomy classification system, right? Basically that every living thing belongs to a Domain, Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, and Species, with the combination of the last two categories being the “scientific name” assigned to the creature; such as “Homo sapien”. Well, somewhere along the “Family” line I’ve noticed in my lifetime things have already started to branch-out a little.

My dilemma in all of this is that I do not want my children to evolve into the dependent categories of this classification system, otherwise known as the “default” destination for American children that lack guidance, and thereby add to the cesspool of genetic mutations over lifetimes that essentially drains my country of initiative, hard work, and resources, for all intents and purposes the lifeblood that contributes to its greatness. In this context, I felt that it’d be best to start categorizing the individuals that I observe everyday and arise at my-own interpretation of their adaptations, all while putting it to paper, lest I were to ever die before my sons were at an appropriate and comprehensible age that we might’ve already covered them all.

If any of my writing happens to resonate with you and your offspring, then so be it. Perhaps [like me] feeling that your children’s ultimate potential is largely beyond your control, at least you can conceivably find a little humor in the pages that follow, all while supplementing your newfound ability to sit on a bench at the mall and people-watch at a near professional level based upon what you will be exposed to inside.

But, first a warning: Some of you might misinterpret the following pages as “judgmental”. Granted, there are decent kids out there with bright futures ahead of them that might presently fit into one or more of the categories that I write about; however, I guarantee you that they are the exception rather than the rule. Nevertheless, it’s probably best that you just consider me a concerned United States citizen, taxpayer, and parent trying to find humor in the fact that I’m terribly worried about what this country might be like when I have grandchildren, while refraining from taking what follows too personal or seriously.

So… Without any further ado…

1... Pantus ondagroundamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Pantus

Species:

ondagroundamus

Common Name:

uneducated dumbass, baby’s daddy, babies’ daddy, brotha from anotha mutha’s daddy

Subcategories:

Mallratium fondofurdaugterian: Stalks the mall just looking for the chance to court your daughter. And frighteningly enough is sometimes equipped with a sufficient amount of charm in order to succeed.

Jerseywearian toobigamus: Hip-Hop chic: Usually wears an oversized Miami Hurricanes™ jersey with varying degrees of bling to further complement the ass-revealing look.

Tanktopian skintightimus:Wife-beater thug: Ribbed, skin-tight tank-top, cornrows, [maybe] dreads, sloppy appearance, and/or gold teeth.

Deadbeatdaddyum itsnotmeamus: Often seen on daytime talk-shows pulling-up its pants while awaiting a DNA paternity test, all the while proclaiming that it is not the father of the cute, but unfortunate baby that is inset [picture inside a picture] or split-screened alongside it.

Sellbiblesondastreetcornerium iminnocentimus: Used to be frequently observed on the television show Cops™. No matter how guilty they appear, they are always innocent and victims of some degree of profiling.

Probably Evolved From:

Sibling hand-me-downs that never quite fit. Pantus ondagroundamus may have also evolved from prison uniforms in which belts were not allowed to particular inmates due to suicide precautions. In any event, somewhere along the line it became “cool” to wear pants below your ass-crack because everyone with a big-brother or a relative in prison (or perhaps, both) was doing it.

Close Affiliations:

Hatstillhasium pricetagamus, Cornrowian tightweaveamus

Don’t Confuse With:

Inadvertent, over-weight, or pot-bellied plumber’s crack. At least these people aren’t trying to be cool and they are usually hard-workers that don’t drain (no pun intended) the system.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

P. ondagroundamus is usually very adept and skilled at a variety of video games because the majority of its awake hours are spent playing them. You might notice on occasion that its thumbs are red, blistered, and swollen because of this.

P. ondagroundamus cannot play baseball or football during recess or physical education classes because one hand is usually dedicated to tirelessly pulling-up and/or holding the waist-band (still below the butt-crack, mind-you, with a belt!), thereby leaving only one available arm/hand, which usually somewhat hinders balance. Amazingly, however, P. ondagroundamus can usually dribble a basketball between and through the legs with amazing precision, and in between a dozen-or-so travels, [maybe] even throw-in a few “slo-motion” moves learned from its favorite And 1 Mix-Tape™, only to be helplessly exposed after the occasionally rare jump-shot (or, even rarer pass to a teammate) when said dedicated hand is forced to [once] again pull-up its pants and hold them accordingly.

Additionally, it can frequently be observed at any-given hospital near the labor and delivery wing. You see, P. ondagroundamus is very adept at reproducing. You may overhear it conversing nearby with another related species, such as Hatstillhasium pricetagamus, about how it decided to go with a different name for its new offspring after the whole delivery experience… “Secretions”. Now twin-baby-brothers  “Lemonjello” and “Orangejello” have a baby sister!... Albeit from a different mother.

Approachability:

Depends… P. ondagroundamus can be anyone ranging from a Junior-High wannabe that’s just a bit misguided in life to a low-down, dangerous, and dirty thug without regard for its-own (or your) safety. It’s best to observe P. ondagroundamus from a distance.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

To qualify for the EA Sports Madden NFL™ or And 1™ Tour Buses, where it can play games all day, talk smack, and never have to actually work; or to be a part of a professional basketball player’s entourage, where it can do the same.

Reality:

P. ondagroundamus will either make an honest living flipping burgers at a fast-food restaurant, mooch off its parents for a longer period of time than what’s normal – while eventually becoming some degree of a menace to society, and/or ultimately turn out to be a beneficiary of the tax dollars of hard-working people.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Resist the urge to lower the waist-band of your pants. Once you place a belt at this level, it slowly dies a slow death while sagging more and more with each and every step.

2... Krustician boogeringamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Krustician

Species:

boogeringamus

Common Name:

tramp, guest [on Maury Povich], one of the babies’ daddy’s momma’s

Subcategories:

Trashyvibean hastrampstampimus: The “tramp-stamp” usually seals the deal for the possible potential in life that once was during the pre-evolvement period. Hooters™ remains a probable place of employment and income.

Shabbychicindianimus dotnotfeatherium: An attempt to put an elitist Indian spin on American culture, S. dotnotfeatherium usually falls short of its goals in life, but fails to understand why it wasn’t hired for the professional job it interviewed for, despite possessing a good rapport with the interviewer. By all accounts, it can appear as beautiful and act as intelligently as possible sans booger-ring; but unfortunately rarely figures out that “individualism” is only nice if you plan on working a job that doesn’t require some degree of expertise, while [hopefully] providing a little stability in return.

Infectionian onantibioticsimus: MRSA: The infected, crusty, pus… (dare I spell it) booger-ring that sounded like a good idea a week ago, but recently had to be lanced and milked by healthcare personnel while under anesthesia in the wake of an infection after an unperceived outward subcutaneous exposure of itra-nasal normal flora.

Probably Evolved From:

Was likely once a Haltertopian twelveyearsoldimus who decided to go with the Middle-Eastern / Indian shabby-chic look in an effort to further impress another species, such as Neonlightimum undercarimus.

Close Affiliations:

Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus, Assgonian emotianus

Don’t Confuse With:

The common superficial nose pimple. The intra-nasal cavity bacteria introduced into the tissue surrounding the piercing can cause a localized infection with puss and nastiness that would cause the common pimple to blush with shame.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

K. boogeringamus, for whatever reason, usually possesses above-average intelligence; however, big distractions from school-work, such as daydreaming of a family of six with Pantus ondagroundamus or Assgonian emotianus while living off food-stamps, remain an everyday problem keeping it from reaching its full-potential in life. K. boogeringamus may have an athletic brother or sister, and is therefore inclined to hours at the ballpark, but interestingly away from the ball-fields, themselves, where (away from parental supervision) it usually seeks-out Pantus ondagroundamus or Assgonian emotianus (who also have athletic siblings) somewhere near the sand-pile, the playground, or in the nearby woods bordering the park.

Approachability:

Usually well-mannered and polite; but attracted to Pantus ondagroundamus, which if of the “thug” subcategory variety, makes approachability hazardous.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

With parental-monitored ballpark expeditions and weekend-night mall outings, K. boogeringamus relies on its-own intellect and strong familial support to keep its grades up while growing out of this phase of life. Later in life, K. boogeringamus can become a strong college student that blends-in with its many normal friends, even while [maybe] hanging on to the booger-ring for a few more years.

Reality:

Pantus ondagroundamus or Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus will usually knock-up K. boogeringamus, thereby stymieing its life’s potential and leaving it and its future offspring neglected by a deadbeat dad; and with many half-brothers and sisters.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

Despite sounding like a hoot, attempt to resist the overwhelming urge to stick a sharp object percutaneously into your nasal passage.

3... Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Piercedlipimum

Species:

nevergetajobamus

Common Name:

punk, emo, hoodlum, skateboarder

Subcategories:

Piercedbrowium nevergetajobamus: A variation that is still accepted [at large] into the species, this subcategory may have three [or more] hoops lined-up in a bunch, all impaling the lateral aspect of one (or both) eyebrow(s).

Ringloopium ondasideamus: Opts for the loop in the nose rather than the female variety diamond stud. If “cool” enough, (just like Piercedbrowium nevergetajobamus) it may be able to get away with a few piercings lined-up on the side of one nostril.

Septalpiercean likeabullimus: This breed of species prefers the bovine look of a bull and is readily identifiable with a nasal ring that barbarically pierces the septum.

Arrowstudium abovedachinamus: Centered, with a spike above the chin, and usually associated with a heavy-metal look – [many times] complemented by the spiked Mohawk.

Note: All of the above may exhibit varying degrees of distant cousin Pantus ondagroundamus.

Probably Evolved From:

Suicidal tendencies combined with never considering one’s future and therefore a desire to push the limits of “individualism” and body mutilation.

Close Affiliations:

Krustician boogeringamus, Assgonian emotianus

Don’t Confuse With:

Someone who busted their lip the night before at baseball practice while fielding a groundball that unfortunately took a bad hop; or someone who got their butt kicked [for whatever reason].

Preferred Everyday Activity:

P. nevergetajobamus demonstrates an amazing ability to adapt and survive in the middle of a mosh-pit; one of the most amazing feats one can film while observing or filming nature. While not “moshing”, P. nevergetajobamus prefers recreational activity that involves varying degrees of obtaining tattoos and drugs.

Approachability:

Usually very polite and cordial, unless loud music breaks-out, at which point P. nevergetajobamus can and will instinctively begin slamming into everyone in its vicinity. That being said, a library would probably be the best place to initially attempt a closer-look at P. nevergetajobamus. Doing so in a controlled and quiet environment will allow you to observe its tendencies with less of a chance of getting injured. Obviously the worst place to do so would be at a concert.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

Landing the coveted vacancy of the latest hard-rock group to lose its lead-guitarist as the result of an overdose.

Reality:

Will more-than-likely become a roofer, dry-waller, or do some type of carpentry work. In all likelihood, [when older] P. nevergetajobamus will [in fact] have a blue-collar construction job, pay taxes while avoiding crime, and therefore contribute to society as a whole; however, it will never get close to its full-potential in life.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

You don’t need to look like a band-member to enjoy their music. As all of your friends are doing so, resist the urge to stick a sharp object through your bottom lip, nasal passage, or eyebrow, even though doing so might sound like a hoot at the time. If you must be noticed for something, [instead] let it be for the compassion you display to others, your intellect, the ability to dress well, or something similar.

4... Assgonian emotianus

Family:

LOSERIUM

Genus:

Assgonian

Species:

emotianus

Common Name:

emo, “dude, where’s my ass?”, screamo, goth

Subcategories:

Studdedbeltacus andwristbandamus: Usually purchases a spiked-belt and wristband in matching sets from the local “goth” shop.

Longswepthairamus coversaneyeian: Annoyingly and consistently hangs its head diagonally in a futile attempt to see without obstruction, only to eventually succumb by flicking its head (and therefore its bangs) and/or sweeping the brow-line in an effort to better straighten its neck and head, all in the name of both adequate vision and posture, if only for a few seconds before repeating the process over and over.

Dyeddblackhairamus withcoloredhilightsicum: Usually involves varying degrees of all the subcategories, with darker and heavier clothing, especially standing-out from a crowd in the warm summer months.

Anklehuggingpantsicum wheresmyassimus: Characterized as “skinny” jeans that don’t look good on any species.

Iwearlipstickium eventhoimaguyamus: “Gothic” statement maker that wears black lipstick, even though it’s a male.

Iweareyelinerium eventhoimaguyamus: Thinks it is Adam Lambert.

Selfinflictorium ofpainium: Loves to do stupid things like take a dry eraser and mutilate itself by rubbing it back and forth somewhere on its body until the point that a mark or [even better] an initial is left, perhaps permanently by a scar.

Probably Evolved From:

Similar to Pantus ondagroundamus; but instead of hand-me-downs that were too big, sibling-recycled pants that were too small combined with generational fad changes yielded skinny-jeans (that somehow camouflage even the biggest ass) with ankle-hugging bottoms (popular in the 80’s) having to make it in a world where flared, roomy cuffs were becoming all the rage. Couple this with post-9/11 emotions, an unfortunate bullying at the hands of a popular jock, and [in general] an inability to cope in the world in which we live today, then throw-in some parental neglect and liberal haircut rules to boot, and you might see how Assgonian emotianus quickly found a foothold in our society once it came across one or two other species within its subcategories.

Close Affiliations:

Piercedlipimum nevergetajobamus, Teenagerium tooyoungtosmokeamus, Earlobeium stretchedoutimus

Don’t Confuse With:

Your average long-haired hippy. A. emotianus usually has long hair, but it’s dyed black with sweeping bangs covering one (or both) eye(s), with [maybe] some pops of color [neon] in between.

Preferred Everyday Activity:

A. emotianus apparently loves hanging out at the food-court in the local mall or smoking just outside the doors. Occasionally A. emotianus will brandish a skateboard, at which point it’s usually put to good use tearing up the curbsides and/or the bricked-in borders containing the shrubbery that decorates the outside of the mall’s entranceway. Very much like Krustician boogeringamus, A. emotianus may also have an athletic sibling, so it, too, can often be found at the local ballpark (away from the ball-fields) simply acting like a withdrawn weirdo.

Approachability:

A. emotianus is usually quiet in the company of adults and extremely fragile to the words of others, even if this is not so apparent in the immediate aftermath of an initial insult. Be careful how close you get. When provoked, it can easily harm both itself and the others around it. A. emotianus is very capable of overreacting and is [most definitely] not afraid of obtaining and using mass-weaponry in what it perceives as an extreme circumstance. If you ever encounter A. emotianus wearing a trench-coat and sunglasses, turn around and run like hell.

Ultimate Life’s Potential:

A. emotianus could potentially be in some degree of an indie-pop band, but it’s highly unlikely because it rarely sings well and usually can’t play an instrument. In a few circumstances, A. emotianus can open-up a local Gothic-style clothing store and remain this way for life, evolving into other species within the family LOSERIUM along the way.

Reality:

A. emotianus will hopefully make it out of high-school without harming itself or others, at which point it will work for minimum wage while looking forward to the occasional overnight raves at local clubs.

How to Avoid Becoming One:

If you are a male, don’t dye your hair black (or any color, for that matter), wear lipstick, or eyeliner. If it falls in front of either eye, cut it rather than dealing with the nuisance. When trying on pants, if your ass suddenly disappears at the same time that your ankles begin to bulge, don’t buy the pants. Avoid the apparently irresistible urge to wear a studded belt and matching wristband. And while the black leather trench coat might just complement any outfit, it’s best to avoid the look altogether. This is especially true if it just so happens to be 95°’s Fahrenheit outside. Whether you are innocent or not, [in this day and age] I promise that you’ll arouse suspicion. Additionally, it’s also best to avoid any temptation to self-mutilate your body.